I can feel a shift in myself lately. It started at the beginning of April, when I participated in a panel discussion on qualitative research with three faculty members at the graduate colloquium. Three faculty members. Three PhDs...and me. I felt so completely out of my element and was absolutely positive that I would either: a) pass out; b) throw up; and/or c) begin speaking in jibberish (something akin to that scene in
Bruce Almighty when Steve Carell starts babbling). But somehow, I made it through the presentation. I received a ton of compliments (my professors, the graduate dean [who also just happens to be my boss] and fellow students were all in attendance--no pressure...) and was told that,
no, I did not sound like an idiot...I was actually very coherant and engaging. I felt like a million bucks when I was done. I walked out of the building that night feeling a kind of confidence that I haven't felt since doing theatre in high school. It's that kind of confidence when you know that you did okay. That you were even good at what you did, and that other people recognized you for it.
Me with Dr. Martha Ezzell, who pushed me to do the discussion panel
The next step came a couple of weeks later. PJ was gone for the weekend and I was bored, so I decided to finally try yoga. I knew absolutely nobody and had not taken a yoga class in eight years, but decided to get my butt off of the couch and just go.
Ten minutes after I got there, I wanted to die. No one warns you about hot yoga, which, if you haven't heard of it, is yoga practiced in a 95+ degree room. I literally thought to myself,
this...this is where I am going to die. In a room filled with sweaty, bendy people.But then when I left class, I felt AMAZING. My body was all stretched out, my mind was quieter, and I just felt more opened up. So I kept going. And now, I'm still trying to go at least once a week. It's a hobby that is mine, something that I am doing for myself and it feels sooo good.
It's been these types of changes, little and big, that are slowly beginning to build up and move me in a better direction with my life--conversations with faculty and classmates about letting myself
not try to plan everything, deciding to begin an MBA program in the fall, allowing myself to splurge a little bit and buy a
ring to celebrate my first Master's Degree (it arrives tomorrow!!!!)
So yes, there is a shift. It might be small, but it's there...I can feel it.
