Confessions of a Think-aholic

Having a little too much fun with PJ's iMac...

Sometimes, when I get ready to write on here, I feel like I know what I want to say. I sit down at my computer, get ready to type, and then all of a sudden...I draw a complete blank. What can I say that I haven't already said? It seems like I always write about the same things...being overwhelmed, feeling lonely, wanting to have hobbies that don't necessarily involve staying home...by myself...but at the same time, I find that these issues just keep resurfacing. I hope I'm not the only one who feels like this and I'm pretty sure that there must be other people in my life who feel like this, but good GOD, I wish I knew who they were. It's not something that I talk to other people about in any great depth--how could I? It's exhausting listening to myself think sometimes, so why on earth would anyone else want to hear it? In any case, though, I want to move past this version of myself. In order to do so, I think I need to be honest with the way that I feel at this point in my life:

Although I have lived in Pittsburgh for almost a year and a half, I am sometimes still dreadfully lonely. Homesickness comes and goes in waves, and I also wish I had more close friends down here.

I am jealous of my friends who have good jobs and are living very comfortably, who are married/engaged, and who seem to have their lives much more "together" than I do.

I wish I was as creative as I used to be. I wish I felt inspired to write stories, and songs, and to draw pictures and sing. I'm not sure where that part of me went, but I sure would like to find it.

I don't often feel very smart, which may seem odd, because I do very well in school. More often than not, though, I feel like maybe my professors have gotten slightly confused in their grading and I'm really just pulling a fast one on everybody.

I get really scared to try new things because I'm afraid I'll fail. Sometimes I wonder if I quit teaching because I didn't think I was smart enough to do it. Anything that I've ever quit has been something at which I thought I'd fail. I refused to even give myself the opportunity to do so.

Some days I think that I wish I could stop...thinking.


Ah. That's a heavy load to carry around with me, and it has been carried around for many, many miles and many, many years. Maybe it's ridiculous to write it online, but something about being able to look at these admissions helps me understand them a little bit better. They're usually just swimming around in my brain at all times and frankly, I need a break. My brain is tired, and so is my soul. I am so ready for new thoughts and a new, more peaceful, and more purposeful direction for my life.