A Girl with a Glitch

This is what happiness looks like...
Outer Banks, July 2008

It has been almost 3 months since the last time that I wrote in here. I'm not sure exactly what was keeping me from writing, because I did think about it fairly often. Grad school was a bit brutal there towards the end...it felt like a endless stream of work (finished the year with a 4.0, though...woohoo!) My job was getting a bit taxing, too. If you have never served in an administrative assistant position, I want you to immediately find the admin closest to you and give her/him a big hug. It is so much work for so little pay. It is people piling work on you because they like to believe that you are only doing work for them, and not 14 other people. It is worrying about things when you go home at night, despite the fact that you shouldn't have to take those worries home with you. Many times, it is people being nice to you only because they want you to do more work for them.

Ok.

Before I wrote this post, I read some of my older ones, particularly the ones from last fall, when I first started as a temp in my office. I loved my job at that point. I was getting paid even less and I had very poor benefits, but I was just happy to have a job. I was even excited to go there.

This left me wondering what has changed between last fall and now. I'm actually a permanent hire now. I make (slightly...very slightly) more money and I have great benefits. I am actually putting away a bit of money in savings and in addition to the retirement plan at work, I opened a Roth IRA. For the first time in my life, I am actually saving for the future (a very novel idea). I have a job that I don't have to worry about losing. It fits very well into my grad school schedule. I get along very well with everyone in my office. So, not to sound very '90s about it...but what's my glitch?

My glitch. My glitch is...I continue to compare myself with everyone else I know. Anything I've accomplished or try to accomplish looks like a failure to me when viewed through the successes of my friends. It's a horrible thing to be jealous of your friends. I feel bad even thinking about it. It always seems, to me at least, that the people I love have things figured out, whereas I am the one who doesn't get it--"it" being pretty much anything. A good 3/4 of my closest friends from home and college are engaged/married. Some are buying homes, and some are getting ready to buy them. Some have jobs that pay really well. Some get to see their families pretty often. The ones who don't seem to have a huge group of friends to spend time with in their new hometowns. Try comparing yourself to all of that...it doesn't feel so great sometimes.

When we were in the Outer Banks a few weeks ago, I felt good. Really, really good. It took a couple of days for me to really relax, but when I did, wow. The tense feeling in my chest went away. I plowed my way through three books, did a little bit of shopping, watched movies, and laid on the beach all day, every day. It was the best break, and it was one that I had hoped would give me some time to look at my life (Some people go to the beach to relax. I, however, go to contemplate the meaning of my life. Anxiety, party of one?) And the meaning is...I still don't know. My job still stresses me out. I still fear that I am light years away from where I "should" be and where everyone else is. I still miss living in Upstate New York a lot and I still cry every time I say goodbye to my family after a visit. I have to believe, though, that all of this crap that I'm wading through (lovely mental image...you're welcome) is bringing me to a much better place. I believe that this is what your twenties are...or at least the first half of them. Figuring out who you are, what you want to do with your life, where you want to do it, and who the people are that you need to surround yourself with. So, I will go to work tomorrow. I will be thankful that I have a steady job with excellent dental. I will be proud of myself for doing so well in grad school and for following the path that I think I should be on. I will try, very, very hard, to remember that everyone around me probably doesn't have it all figured out.

Ah. That feels much better. Blogging really is good for the soul.