Great Expectations

The Miller Zoo, November 2007

I had a conversation with someone yesterday about expectations and how the things that we expect from ourselves are sometimes so much greater and harder and more unrealistic than they need to be. I look around me and see friends with great jobs, who seem happy with the life that they've created, and I still feel so unsure about mine. And instead of really stopping to take stock of how I feel at any given minute, I push it down and down until I have days when I can't figure out why I feel sad. The truth is, moving to a new place is lonely. Even when you have someone with you, it can still feel lonely. I miss having someone to act girly with. I miss being able to drive home almost any weekend that I wanted to, instead of just seeing my family on holidays. I want to have a real, permanent job, not a temp job. I want to have a real paycheck and I want to feel confident about the choices that I've made. I'm just not there yet. I think that I'm starting to recognize that I need to deal with these feelings, though, and not just stuff them down, like I want to. I need to have expectations for me, not expectations that are dependent on what everyone else is doing.

Speaking of expectations, Thanksgiving wasn't quite what I expected it to be. We had a very scary couple of weeks leading up to the holiday, when my aunt ended up in the hospital (she's out and getting better now, thankfully). I had a bad cold and ended up stuck in my parents' house for most of the weekend and didn't see many friendly faces while I was home. It did feel good, though, to visit with my family...and of course, to cuddle with the dogs. I did end up getting to see the extended family on Sunday-- I went up to Buffalo before PJ and I came back down to Pittsburgh. A quiet weekend, but still a good one.

Our Christmas Tree!

And now, on to Christmas! I was fully into the swing of things as soon as we got home from Buffalo. Our little Charlie Brown-like Christmas tree is decorated and lit and most of the other decorations are up. I love, LOVE Christmas season. Christmas music, trees, lights, hot chocolate, candy canes, snowflakes, buying secret gifts, cards, parties...what's not to love? It makes each day feel a little bit happier.


One more little tidbit. The other day, I stumbled upon a video that made for many hours of laughter during my undergraduate career--

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

Home is Everywhere

Katie & PJ, Chris & Lizzie's wedding, August 2007

As we have discovered, no one tells you how hard it is to move in together. The little things and the big things seem so much more magnified when you see each other all of the time. Although logically I knew that our relationship would go through some changes when we moved in together, I never really thought about what those changes would be. I think the biggest one has been trying to get used to communicating with another person. I've always felt fairly independent, but still always had my friends and family around when I needed them. When you move in with a significant other, it's so much different. We've been learning how important it is for us to communicate with each other all of the time, even when it's a small issue, or even when it's uncomfortable, or when we don't want to. This has not been an easy change for me-- I'll take silence over disagreement any day (as unhealthy as I know that is), just to avoid a conflict. We're getting better at it, though. I almost feel like this was the last step that I needed for this place to feel like a home. I needed to feel like we were in this one together.

Reilly posing for the camera, 2007

Ahh, the other home. I'm SO excited to go back to New York for Thanksgiving. We're going to Corning on Thursday to visit with my family, Rochester on Friday to visit with PJ's family, and then I'm going back to Corning and PJ is staying in Rochester for the rest of the weekend. I can't wait to go eat good food and watch movies and talk with my family. I can't wait to play and cuddle with my dogs (with four dogs, it is most certainly bound to be a cuddlefest). I can't wait to hopefully spend time with Grandma, and Aunt Beth, and John. I can't wait to laugh with my friends. I haven't been home to Corning in over two months--it feels like forever. I did get to spend my birthday weekend with my friends, but I'm still so excited to see them again, since it only happens a couple of times each year. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.